One of our sons is taking a trades program. He’s wrapping up his third year in the program and was recounting how he enjoys his schooling experience. Not only does he like what and how he’s learning, but, importantly, with whom he’s learning. His classmates share much in common. They, too, are enthusiastic about what they’re learning and the opportunities with which they’re presented. They each have jobs that earn well. They are proud of the responsibilities their jobs afford them. They also share similar interests and have the resources to pursue their passions. This mix creates a constructive atmosphere that breeds optimism as the future looks to be an even better version of the present.
As our son shared his experiences with us, he noted that it’s quite a contrast to spending time with some of his friends from high school. From time to time, he’ll end up in the bar with what were his go to friends from a few years ago. He’s observed sadly that several haven’t yet found traction. They’re working dead end jobs in which the only thing lower than their wage is their satisfaction. They make little and enjoy less. Their only release is engaging in one or another vice on weekends. They drink too much, and some seem to be drifting down the road of drugs. The rest of the weekend is spent recovering from lifestyle choices instead of being used to pursue some kind of constructive fun. It’s a downward spiral of grudgingly working to earn enough to make bad choices just to rinse and repeat. To them, the future isn’t something to be excited about as it only looks like more of the present.
His experiences reminded me of a quote from an artist known as Wyland who noted, “There are two types of people—anchors and motors. You want to lose the anchors and get with the motors because the motors are going somewhere and they’re having more fun. The anchors will just drag you down.”
Our son’s current classmates were clearly motors getting going whereas his old high school friends were anchors.
The folk wisdom that birds of a feather flock together is as true as something can be. High School cliques represent pools of folk trying to be like each other. As any of us who have spend a few years outside of high school can attest, our values change. We find new interests and pursue different directions. In so doing, we may move away from those that we were close to in the past. The same is happening to others. Our groups can change over time. We become the company we keep, for better or worse. Vivek Ramaswamy offers an example of this with respect to marriage in his book Truths writing, “Studies show that people are 75 percent more likely to get divorced if they have a close friend who is divorced, and 147 percent more likely to get divorced if they have several divorced friends. The opposite is also true. When most of the people around you are married, you’re more likely to get married too.”
Musician and producer Pharrell Williams directed the movie North Hollywood. The main character is a teen wrestling with decisions associated with coming of age. He is a good skateboarder and is trying to take things to the next level. All the adults in his life are trying to encourage him to pursue more practical routes. A key dynamic of development is transcending his high school peer group and moving towards those that are more serious about his craft.
He comes to see his high school friends as immature jokesters out looking to kill time. He doesn’t see them as trying to get better. His skills have surpassed theirs and he is trying to spend every waking minute of his day finding ways to get back on his board to improve. He sees his friends using skateboarding more as a social experience than serious effort. He also begins to get frustrated with his friends’ lifestyle habits of smoking, drinking, and doing casual drugs. He sees that those that he’s looking up to, the pros, aren’t likely to take him seriously if he’s hanging around those that aren’t serious. He needs to separate himself from those that represent his past to give himself a chance to move forward.
A major theme of the movie is the tension of transitioning from one peer group to another. The transition is driven by trying to align his developing values with that of the desired group. He no longer values that which his old group still does and wants to migrate from it as a result. An irony of this transition is that by being true to himself he at first stresses the relations of his past friends. However, in time, he and his old friends can accept the separation and preserve their personal relationship in a respectful way.
It’s not just awe and coolness he’s seeking by trying to associate with the pros. It’s an attempt to learn from those that are trying to get better. He sees how they take themselves seriously each step of the way. He sees how their ethics are different than what he himself has shown in the past. Because they respect themselves, they also respect others. They benefit from sponsor support and, therefore, want to sustain it. They don’t’ take it for granted. For the pros, it’s not cool to reject authority and be a punk. They embrace effort.
In The Element, Ken Robinson supports the suggestion that our peer influence can be significant. Robinson presents three core benefits of peer group participation. First, validation. By being with others that see the world as we do, we develop our identity. We see that we’re not alone. It’s not just me. Robinson writes, “Connecting with people who share the same passions affirms that you’re not alone; that there are others like you and that, while many might not understand your passion, some do. It doesn’t matter whether you like the people as individuals, or even the work they do. It’s perfectly possible that you don’t. What matters first is having validation for the passion you have in common. Finding your tribe brings the luxury of talking shop, of bouncing ideas around, of sharing and comparing techniques, and of indulging your enthusiasms or hostilities for the same things.”
After validation, we benefit from inspiration. We see others achieving in our desired domain. We begin to believe, if they can do it, I can do it. Our aspirations rise. Our commitment grows. A tribe provides provocation to raise the bar on your own achievements. Robinson gives us an example of what inspiration looks like quoting Bob Dylan from his biography The Chronicles, “Folk music was all I needed to exist…I had no other cares or interests besides folk music. I scheduled my life around it. I had little in common with anyone not like-minded.” The third benefit Robinson suggests is that peers can produce more together than they can alone. He refers to this benefit as synergy. Robinson describes synergy as, “Where a group comes together to produce something greater than the sum of its parts. In Organization Genius: The Secrets of Creative Collaboration, Warren Bennis and Pat Ward Biederman write of what they call ‘Great Groups,’ “A Great Group can be a goad, a check, a sounding board, and a source of inspiration, support, and even love.”
Peers are one of the three primary forces which shape our development according to psychologist Judith Rich Harris. Harris suggests the three forces influencing our development are personality, parents, and peers. Peers, she argues is the strongest of the three. “The world that children share with their peers is what shapes their behavior and modifies the characteristics they were born with, and hence determines the sort of people they will be when they grow up.”
Peer pressure can be a positive contributor to our progress which we noted in an earlier article. We want to not passively fall into our friend groups. Nor do we want to linger with losers for our lives. The great curate their cohorts. They choose their compatriots and colleagues.
W. Clement Stone recommended as an exercise to make a list of everyone with whom you regularly spend time. Then besides each name put either a “+” or a “-“ sign to reflect whether they leave you feeling better or worse because of the time spent. Your objective becomes to reduce time with the “-“ in your life while increasing time spent with the “+.” Avoid the gossipers, petty complainers, and judgers and find those that are trying to get better. Being alone is much better than hanging out with victims. To curate your cohort, the first step is to develop awareness with respect to those with whom you’re currently spending much of your time. Are they anchors or motors? Avoid the anchors and migrate to motors.
David Perell in an essay titled, “Fruits of Friendship” offers the idea of a 10 club. For Perell, peers represent a group we should be proactively cultivating. A goal for our careers should be to curate a core group with whom we want to collaborate in our professions. Perell writes, “Peers are the engine of career success. Together, the ones you’re closest to comprise your ’10 Club.’ The 10 Club is a group of 10 people you want to work with later in life, and every member should be kind, ambitious, and generous. Travel together, meet their families, and attend their weddings. Get to know them. Then, team up and support each other.”
Our peers can be an ongoing positive influence on our work lives. Pursue your own positive peer group. Pick your partners. Adopt the encouragement of Epictetus who offered, “The key is to keep company only with people who uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best.”
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