Kevin Kelly offers in Excellent Advice for Living, “Before you are old, attend as many funerals as you can bear, and listen. Nobody talks about the departed’s achievements. The only thing people will remember is what kind of person you were while you were achieving.” Unfortunately, a client and friend passed away in a tragic accident earlier in 2023 while pursuing his passion with friends. I was able to view his memorial some months later via a zoom recording. At the memorial, three eulogies were offered. One by a friend who knew the deceased from their recreational pursuits, another from a business partner, and, finally, one from his wife. The three eulogies were well done and captured the core character transcending each area of his life. Of the three, the one offered by his wife was most moving. Saying of her passed husband, “He was the kind of person that made everything he touched better.” The limited lens I had into this gentleman’s life would certainly support her statement. I can’t think of higher praise to offer of someone or to have said about oneself.
As the folk at Admired Leadership note, “In the end, leadership is about making people and situations better through our actions, behaviors, decisions, and choices.” Put differently, the essence of leadership can be distilled into a couple of lines from the 13th century Persian poet, Rumi. Around 800 years ago, he wrote, “Be a lamp, or a lifeboat, or a ladder. Help someone’s soul heal. Walk out of your house like a shepherd.” Rumi’s words were written for everyone. They weren’t intended to be for leaders specifically. Nonetheless, they capture what the heart of leadership is all about.
Leaders can be lamps and light the way providing direction in the depths of darkness. It’s about offering clarity and calm in the fog of war.
Lifeboats are about helping others up when they’ve stumbled. Leadership is about becoming an Anteambulo and clearing the path for others.
Ladders are about helping others get to where they want to go. It’s about providing a path to progress and ensuring they have what they need to do their job well. This idea is captured in a quote from holocaust survivor, Viktor Frankl, who wrote, “The meaning of life is to help others find the meaning of theirs.”
“Walking out of your house like a shepherd” suggests that the role of leader is to be a guide from the side. It’s not dragging followers along, it’s guiding them to a place that’s mutually beneficial for all. It’s about making sure no one gets left behind and all are taken care of.
Each of these four puzzle pieces come together for those focusing externally on others and not on internal, selfish motives. It’s about having a developmental bias which we discussed in a prior article. It’s about the Care component of leadership.
Randall Stutman of Admired Leadership defines leadership as “someone that makes people (and situations) better.” He describes leadership as “fanness” in this worthwhile video. A leader is a fan. One thing everyone wants is that the people they respect are rooting for them. A universal desire exists, we all wish to have those people we respect rooting for our success. We all want desperately for those we admire to want to cheer us on and to believe in our ability to succeed. The best leaders demonstrate this for their charges every day. “Fans are obsessed with your success, not their success.” Leaders should continuously ask, “What would a fan do?”
This is deeply motivational. I am here to help you to succeed. I want you to succeed. I am going to root for you. I’m going to demonstrate that I am in your corner and trying my best to help you succeed. We will do anything for those who are great fans of us. Are you rooting for me? My ability to stay committed and loyal to you is a function of how you demonstrate this to me. In a podcast, author Ryan Holiday offered a great story of a dad encouraging a son who had expressed interest in becoming a basketball coach. The dad showed his son the next day his suitcase. The son asked what’s this about. The dad said I’ve packed for when the team you are coaching makes it to the Final Four. He was showing complete belief in the son’s dream. How much deeper did this dream become in that moment alone for the son?
While visiting Stutman in Pennsylvania, Holiday was running when he came across a cemetery and was struck by an Epitaph that read “Verses on tombstones are but idly spent. The living character is the monument.” Those aspiring to lead should be focusing on the impact we leave on others, not resume accomplishments. The recipe for success is it’s all about who you mattered to. 2500 years ago, the Greek philosopher Pericles gave us, “What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.” Detailed differently, William James a hundred-some-odd years ago said, “The greatest use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it.”
If you’re lucky enough to know someone that displays this kind of positive leadership, then consider Kevin Kelly’s advice and “Don’t reserve your kindest praise for a person until their eulogy. Tell them while they are alive when it makes a difference to them. Write it in a letter they can keep.” I’m guessing this is something each person who spoke with such fondness of our decased wished for on some level.
