There’s a scene in the T.S. Eliot play, The Cocktail Party, where a patient is engaged in a counselling session with her psychiatrist. She’s on the proverbial couch relaying a litany of life’s troubles on the psychiatrist. At some point, the patient pauses and observes, “I should really like to think there’s something wrong with me—Because, if there isn’t then there’s something wrong, Or at least, very different from what it seemed to be, With the world itself—and that’s much more frightening! That would be terrible.” Our patient is realizing that where she may be playing a part in the problems of her life, she may also have the opportunity for change which will alleviate her issues. This perspective provides hope. The alternative of the world being the source of the problems is much more terrifying as it suggests a cause to her ailments that is outside of her and impossible to contain, let alone hope to control.
If we’re just ping pong balls being knocked around on the table of life, things can seem overwhelming and depressingly out of our control. However, if we have some influence over the outcomes in our life, even where we encounter struggle, there’s hope. Improvement is possible where we are willing to take constructive action.
Eliot’s patient may slowly be coming around to the realization expressed by Ralph Waldo Emerson, “As long as a man stands in his own way, everything seems to be in his way.” Or, said another way, at the center of all our problems lies us. Other advice encourages us to consider life as a mirror. It reflects back at us who we are. Not what we want. Where we find ourselves in life is, in some way, the result of choices and actions we’ve made. The patient senses that only accepting her circumstances as the result of her choices offers the way forward for potential change and improvement. Author Derek Sivers wrote a popular blog post titled Everything is my fault. Sivers writes, “When someone upsets you, it’s human nature to feel it’s their fault. But one day I tried thinking of everything as my fault.” In an instant, his assessment of circumstances changed and his willingness to adjust his own behaviors becomes clearer. Sivers notes, “What power! Now you’re the person who made things happen, made a mistake, and can learn from it. Now you’re in control and there’s nothing to complain about.” Accepting responsibility for where you find yourself is empowering.
Personal responsibility may be something we run from instead of relishing. It’s easier to blame the outside world for our lack. As humorist P.J. O’Rourke offered, “Everybody wants to save the earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes.” It’s easier to make excuses than it is to make a difference. It’s comforting to complain and blame outside forces for what’s missing in your life. Sure, it may be easier, but is it effective? When we allow ourselves to be subject to outside forces, we diminish our capacity. Part of maturity is the recognition and acceptance of responsibility. It’s not up to others and the outside world to provide for us, it’s up to us. In a quote attributed to Mother Teresa, “If each of us would only sweep our own doorstep, the whole world would be clean.” Nobel prize winning scientist Marie Curie gave us further reinforcement for the importance of adopting responsibility when she noted, “You cannot hope to build a better world without improving the individuals. To that end, each of us must work for his own improvement.” All said to suggest that progress starts at home, with you.
Leadership strategist Warren Bennis observed a trait common to high performers was that they internalize the idea that, “You are the author of your life.” A mark of mavens is that they believe their actions matter. They believe they can make an impact on the world through their efforts. Anders Ericsson has spent his career studying skill development amongst writers, artists, athletes, and others. His work supports the idea that it’s time that builds expertise which was written about by Malcolm Gladwell as the 10,000 hour rule. Ericsson is convinced that “experts are always made, not born.” This belief is embraced by those who welcome personal responsibility. Kevin Eikenberry, a leadership consultant, has observed that professionals distinguish themselves from amateurs by possessing “a mastery mentality—with the goal of becoming the best they can be.” Businessman Jamie Gilbert describes the process of performance as “Greatness isn’t for the chosen few. Greatness is for the few who choose.” Marva Collins echoes the idea noting, “Success doesn’t come to you. You go to it.” Finally, Dr. Florence Sabin who was one of the first female physicians devoted to research exemplified the type of belief in responsibility that drives high performers when she said, “If I didn’t believe the answer could be found, I wouldn’t be working on it.”
Author, Werner Erhard, penned a detailed definition of responsibility. Part of the definition includes, “Responsibility starts with the willingness to deal with a situation from and with the point of view, whether at the moment realized or not, that you are the source of what you are, what you do, and what you have. It is not ‘right,’ or even ‘true,’ to declare oneself as ‘cause’ in the matter. It’s just empowering.” The opposite of responsibility is reflected in what US Congressman Dan Crenshaw writes in his book Fortitude, “To be helpless to change your circumstances is to be totally disempowered, and to be disempowered is to be resentful, depressed, and unable to succeed. It’s akin to being a bystander in your own life…” We have two perspectives with which to approach the world. We can adopt responsibility or opt for blame. One affords us agency and power while the other robs us of trying.
Winners accept personal responsibility. They don’t just accept it, they embrace it. They realize that responsibility is liberating. It is the path to freedom. Blame gives away power. It weakens, whereas responsibility is taking the reins of life and riding. American scientist, John Burroughs, wrote, “A man can fail many times, but he isn’t a failure until he begins to blame somebody else.” Winners take action, whiners lose traction. No thanks to being a bystander. Better to take the advice of Morgan Freeman, as God, in Bruce Almighty where Freeman/God says to Bruce (Jim Carrey), “You want a miracle, Bruce? Be the miracle.” Freeman is trying to help Bruce appreciate what Jack Canfield writes, “To be powerful, you need to take the position that you create or allow everything that happens to you…. Realize that you are not the victim here.”
Oprah Winfrey seems to have done ok for herself over the years. She’s clawed her way from humble beginnings to the heights of fortune and fame. She’s provided value to millions for decades. She’s done so by both entertaining and comforting her fans. She is considered by many to be the most successful person in the history of US media. That’s quite something. She built her career and became one of the richest women in the world. From a tough start, she endured suffering of incredible lengths. After peak pain, her “father” helps her reframe an experience and things click. In an instant she decides and sets the direction for her life. She acts consistently with it from that day forward. She leaned into the idea expressed by psychologist Albert Ellis, “The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the economy, or the president. You realize that you can control your own destiny.”
As a young adult, Oprah took ownership of her life, determined that she was personally responsible for her decisions and direction. Oprah acknowledges that “the greatest lesson of my life, is to recognize that I am solely responsible for it.” She noted, “the message has always been the same. You are responsible for your life.” From this recognition, Oprah grew empowered. Her self-respect soared. Oprah’s efforts reflected US writer Joan Didion’s observation that, “The willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life is the source from which self-respect springs.” Moreover, Oprah began to exemplify what the late writer and film maker, Nora Ephron, encouraged, “Above all, be the hero of your life, not the victim.” Oprah refused to be a victim. She didn’t give-in or give-up. She didn’t allow others to have power over her. She worked to empower herself. She adopted Seneca’s phrase, “Most powerful is he who has himself in his own power.” She didn’t protest, she pursued. She sought accountability and acted consistent with her chosen direction daily. Oprah lived Jim Rohn’s words, “You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself.” These commitments drove her development and led her to happiness. Oprah accepted what Robert Pirsig writes in Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance that, “the place to improve the world is first in one’s own heart and head and hands, and then work outward from there.” She knew where she wanted to go, and she figured out how to get there. She played within the system as it was. She didn’t complain about the way things were. Oprah realized as Mark Caine suggests, that “The first step towards success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself.” She didn’t try to tear down the system. A system which wasn’t set up advantageously for her. She worked within it. Painful though it was. Oprah shares Michael Jordan’s observation that “some people want it to happen, some wish it would happen, others make it happen.” Oprah did the Stoics proud. She focused on what she could control and acted while ignoring the things she couldn’t control.
Revisiting Oprah’s commitment to ownership, a New York Times article from 2009, written by David Carr, quotes a friend of Oprah’s, Gayle King offering, “She (Oprah) told me that it was just like when she first left Nashville, I don’t know what the future holds, but I know who holds it.” Oprah may have gotten along well with Winston Churchill likely sharing his view that “History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.” She probably also shares support of a separate quote attributed to Winston Churchill, “I like things to happen; and if they don’t happen, I like to make them happen.”
What Oprah, Churchill, and other high performers illustrate is that relishing responsibility is rewarding. When you pursue the path of personal responsibility, your life becomes more get to than have to. Your choices are yours. Your decisions are of your doing. You are where you are because of your own choosing. This immediately becomes a more pleasant place to be than grudgingly being dragged through life on someone else’s terms. Oprah’s life is testament to Carl Jung’s observation that “I am not what has happened to me. I am what I choose to become.” Where there’s personal responsibility, there’s hope. When we adopt the posture of personal responsibility, we come to see that life’s a problem and we’re the solution. As Peter Thiel has noted, “you are not a lottery ticket.” Life’s too precious to be passive. Much of what we hope to achieve or experience in life is dependent on our choices as opposed to chance. Choose to participate. Choose to engage. Choose to reach for as much responsibility for your development and direction as you can.
